LW, you dont need someone who will put up with you, you need and DESERVE someone who youre willing to put up with. OK, clearly Im not making you happy here, what with my not exercising right and not eating well enough and doing the dishes as frequently as you like. We both loved science fiction. If LWs partner isnt interested in learning and compromising, then it seems to me it will be hard to continue with a healthy relationship. Theres no excuse for a relationship where one person does all the initiating, it means the other party is either disinterested or being suffocated by someone who wants a lot more interaction than they do. He wont be straightforward in saying no because by using that word he doesnt have to face any consequences for his direct refusal. I went through a phase when I asked him if he was feeling depressed almost every day at a point when he was beginning to feel better. It could simply be as simple as the fact that neither one of you feels attracted towards each other any longer. You have to like them for what they are (plus a +/- 2(?) You are healing, why shouldnt your home and your relationship be a place you can feel comfortable? My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. One cannot Straw Vulcan of Superior Reasoning their way into ones partner conforming exactly to ones own standards both internally and externally. Or is his logic/reason for believing this just that it makes sense in his head and should therefore make sense in the real world? When I was in my early 20s I was a mess. I thought I had some obligation to stay friends. Make sure that the issues you address in your list are really what is bothering you. etc.). Its a very belittling thing to say. Because my fianc and I worked things out and are in a good place now, I am hesitant to just say ~DTMF~, but your boyfriend needs to realize that monitoring someone elses habits (even your eating habits!) Remote kissing device for long-distance lovers, invented and patented by Chinese university student in Changzhou City.The mouth-shaped module, served as an inducing area . You do most of the calling, talking, buying of gifts, planning dates, visiting, etc. LW, if he is not listening to your stated boundaries, its not because you are not being clear/logical/reasonable enough so he can understand. So this guy is trying everything he can to fix the LWbut since depression makes people act against their best interests, the boyfriend doesnt trust said LW to deal with this on their own. I use up a lot of my energy every day just trying to keep myself vaguely adequately fed, and having somebody help out like that can be such a good thing. My husband is very *actually* logical and reasonable. And he gets a positive comment from me every time I am aware. It also reads a bit like hes trying to control her looks as opposed to her happiness, though again, my vision may be a bit skewed here. Nightengale, Im going to commit this one to memory! Relax. Absolutely. He had money and I didnt. What are some of the relationship killers that might have led him to this point? Sometimes weve done well when he asks me what I think Im doing. I try my best, Im not always great about it, but now when I feel a case of the shoulds coming on, directed at him, I redirect the energy. That makes me so angry on your behalf. What this involves is offering your emotional openness and love (instead of the tension of stress, fear and needing something to be happy). Jedi hugs, if you want them. My mother used to literally scream at me if she saw my hand go anywhere near my head, my friends used to threaten to not speak to me if I cut myself, but no pressure! But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. Your partner becomes angry not in response to specific things that they observe, but by broad elements that they infer. The difference between this dude and the dudes I know, though, is that when the dudes I know were told to stuff a sock in it because they were coming across all doomy and demanding, they did. Not good. Once we finally separated, my depression has not returned. Just wanted to clarify that, unlike LWs boyfriend, I never tried to help my ex. But now he doesnt seem interested in getting to know them or spending time with them. We spent an hour together crafting a long list of things he could do for me, with me. Everything I do in therapy has been trying to build confidence, motivation, and self-respect from within and stop relying exclusively on it externally, and then I go home and grapple with someone telling me that I need to do these things to be better. I hope Im wrong, but LW, I think your boyfriend would do the exact same thing. Knowing why he stopped making an effort will help you in making the right decision. So many hugs to you. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. We ended up breaking up about a year later. 14. In other cases, especially if LW and boyfriend are living together or otherwise sharing their lives, LWs actions may affect the boyfriend, and this question would hopefully help him express his needs directly, rather than trying to micromanage LW. for forward and backward evolution. How can I respond when he gets mad at me for not being good enough? I only do that in ways that SHE has approved, and that weve mutually decided would be comfortable and appropriate for me to do. He then believes that if you simply were to do the right things then he would get what he wants. First, I starred (*) the script about diet and exercise above, because I think you should just stop reporting any of this to him and should in fact treat it as highly weird that he wants to know. Yup. 5. I was overwhelmed with adoration and new hope. Or maybe his own shortcomings as a helper? Your boyfriend may have felt secure with you because, in his head, you had low self exsteem and would not look for someone better than him. This helped my husband and I when I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. When your boyfriend stops calling the first thing you should determine is whether you did something that may have gotten him upset. That does not sound like respect. I wholeheartedly agree. He thought (for a couple of reasons) that it was a scam (as did my Dad who lent me the money to go to the course). Its not a cure; its a coping skill. Ashlyn Cook, 25, appeared in Kalgoorlie Magistrates Court on Monday where she . Maybe BF wants to push you because he thinks your mental health just requires external pushing. And sometimes, just for fun, exercise causes my body to mimic the feeling of a panic attack, and so I get inexplicably upset and frantic about normal life events! Walking or biking dont have those painful associations for me and are thus easier on me mentally. It doesnt matter what a partner is interested in controlling, your food intake, your hairstyle, how much work you do, how much sleep you get; when theyre trying to control you and cannot seem to be redirected, it is time to take the advice of the Doctor. You've forgotten your dreams. Now is *not* the time for someone to run a ledger of all your supposed daily transgressions and fuck the idea of the ledger in the first place. *I do not recommend you use this tone, Im just naturally combative and I hate being told what to do. Reasonable. I think you can tell dude that the things he is doing are not helping and that your therapist agrees with you (assuming therapist does and I think therapist is your number one go to about this) and also give him things he *can* do to help you when you are feeling down. When I was in a very similar situation, my ex could talk for days about how my not meeting his standards affected him. When your brain says ok, Im done exercising today, and instead of that being paired with anticipation of his disapproval, there is just sweet, sweet self-accepting silence. . Because if so, you need to skip all the subtler steps and skip straight to Therapist, these things my boyfriend does and says are making it worse, help! Right now. His comfort may depend on your discomfort and misery. It can help to be accountable, and say to someone else hey, Im having trouble doing this Thing, so can you help me by setting a time to do Thing together?, but only if this is a need *you* have identified, and its *your* solution that youre asking to put in place. 2) said, Im going to [the gym, for a run, to walk the dog, to a coffee shop to get out of the apartment for a bit], want to come? And the accepted my yes or no WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. You cant have every moment be a comfortable one otherwise youre never actually challenging yourself, but they are needed otherwise you burn out. We dont need to split up so I wanted to highlight that things dont need to be The Worst for you to decide a particular behavior needs to stop. Apologise, and never say that to me again.. I have two of those exes and there my collection ends! Some guys bitch about paying for dates because of feminism (or whatever). Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. Its hard to figure out what to do and how to do it in a way that supports them and helps them. What would you like me to do or say? We will come times ask specifics if I see you doing X or Y would you like me to say or do anything?, We will also talk about our fears: I dont want to come across as a nagging partner or like Im your mom, so Im comfortable saying this, but only once.. And he tried to change me, too (although I was worse): he was always trying to get me to relax more, to spend less time working and instead build my schedule around him. It was this one: https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/. My husband has a hard time with my anxiety and sometimes asks if Ive eaten or what Ive eaten or mentions exercise to help me. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, That bit in particular sounds so much like my ex-husband. I think a lot of it springs from an idea that partners make decisions together and tackle projects together, and theyve made the mistake of mis categorizing you as a project. At all. Yeah, my dad did things like that to me as a kid and it was bad. Agreed. Good luck on your journey, LW! If you broke up and had to move out of your shared place, where would you go? Good luck LW, and I hope you get to see how much better life can be when someone isnt actively holding back your awesomeness. Or bringing you vegetable soup when youre too depressed to cook? When your boyfriend stops showing physical affection like kissing, hugging, touching or sex, it can be a sign that he has lost romantic interest in you and is thinking of leaving. A big part of the reason I gave up running for four years is how much it keyed up my anxiety about being good enough, being fast enough, and my shame about how much strength and speed Ive lost since high school. I hope what the various letter writers get out of this sort of advice is perhaps support that what feels uncomfortable and off to them in a way that's hard to describe is actually terrible no good behaviour. When the passion is gone in a relationship it means the good stuff thats supposed to fuel you through the bad stuff is no longer there, meaning, theres simply no point in pretending I care if the girl has wacky opinions about something. Gastrointestinal distress. Nope, cant recall this either. This is sporadic enough that it hasnt become a sticking-point in our relationship (yet! My sister is not depressed and does not need my help, I just want to provide it because I care about her. He didnt like the way I went to the gym when we went together. They are tools that we need to use precisely because we always have our biases clouding our judgment, and they help us cut through those to get to the essential facts. It doesnt bother me because of how he asks gently, not sternly, the tone he uses, and because the rest of the time he demonstrates how damnably attractive I am to him. I recognize that it can be really frustrating to coexist with someone elses depression, but the thing is, your boyfriend is not obligated to stay if he cant deal with it. Your boyfriend is NOT being supportive, kind, or reasonable. He may have had his fun with you, but now he is ready to move on. Your Mileage May Vary. My Boyfriend Passed Away Suddenly, and This Is What Grief Feels Like. During that time, I had a b/f who sounds a lot like your b/f he knew that if only I would do X, Y, Z and Q things that he specifically told me to do in the way and with the frequency that he specifically dictated, Id feel so much better! I feel like Ive learnt to spot the signs now, but I really didnt see them when I was less experienced. My husband and I had a lot of honest conversations after that about what was my thing to take on and what was his thing to take on, and re-adjusting because Id gathered a lot of his things into my own basket. Well. Im quite a fan of your usage of Ricardo Cabeza here, it took me a moment to get it but when i did i nearly fell out of my chair. (Ice cream, breakfast for dinner, weird thing you like that he doesnt like. You can also use the online chat. WELL I WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD DO AFTER 20 YEARS MARRIED TO SOMEONE YOUD PROBABLY JUST BLITHELY DUMP HIM THEN TOO. What Im getting at is its shitty when my father does this crap to me, its extra double wow shitty if your partner does that to you. They are not feelings police tools. Hlepy people may accept correctionor they may not. I guarantee you it will only get worse. Maybe it's been a day, or days, or even weeks. Men who are attracted to you will not refuse sex from you on a very regular basis. Trouble concentrating. Validation. Things are a lot better, although sometimes I (or my other partner) have to remind him. Like the Capn says, you are healing, so getting to a comfortable place is exactly where you should be. That person is more invested in control and in being right than in respecting you. Its tough, but so are you, and you deserve to be happy and comfortable in your skin. he told me to give him space but i feel like he is mad with me and ignoring me; My boyfriend and i have been together 6 months and we had a big fight on the weekend. Does he want you to be happy and comfortable in your own body; or is he looking for A Girlfriend Who Matches The Public Beauty Ideal? They hope wise Internet people will have a magic solution to restore their relationship to what they hoped it would be in the beginning. Id been through worse. Comfort is a vital part of challenging yourself. We broke up, but were still friends today, and he honestly tried his best. So much sympathy to the LW for trying to make this work on top of making themself happy. 3. Good luck LW, positive thoughts your way! Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. We are high maintenance and needy, its all caused by our hormones (and that somehow makes it funny/unimportant), we are dismal and pathetic. He subsequently became paralyzed by any decision making because he could no longer prioritize between options without emotions. What kind of wording do you want me to use? Don't reach out to his ex. Just looking at those two sentences beside each other without anything else made me realize how ridiculous they sound. You are the person who knows whats best for you. Get him to chase you instead." That is good friendly advice but there's a little more to it than that. He seems quieter than usual Your conversations are brief, and he doesn't appear to be as interested in your life anymore. I think your depression might be getting better, and I think one of the indicators is that you are not automatically agreeing with your boyfriends list of shoulds for your life. So, his motives dont come *just* from the knowledge that she wants to get better. I also expressed my fear that he was trying to fix my depression, because I suspect that depression is just part of my makeup, and however well I manage it, there are always going to be some low points. Heh). Not immediately or perfectly, but noticeably and more over time. It can sometimes be really helpful to challenge yourself, whether thats to exercise more or read more or keep things cleaner around the house. He blocks me and ignores me. Tell you at the end of the day that I noticed you ate the chips? When I started to develop some self-confidence! To be honest, Im in a long-term relationship with a dude who is otherwise pretty damn great, but occasionally he comments on my wellbeing in a way that gets my back up (like telling me the severity of my issues is getting worse when Im acutely aware that its because Im under stress, or making it out that Im imposing Difficult Family Members on myself when its either manage a difficult visit or not see my family, ever). He (and my Dad!) Ugh, logick-y dudes who want to tell you how to run your life. So if your partner was reacting in line with frustration and reacting to objective, observable behaviors that contradicted therapeutic actions you had agreed to, then that could be a reasonable reaction. but its not like, oh man, now that I exercise I never feel sad! I have one word for you, LW. Examine your behavior. Yes, seconded. If you decide that its not, then break up with him and move on. Husband encourages me to get exercise, by casually asking what Ive been up to and suggesting if the weather is nice and there is nothing to do, I could go for a walk. How To Get a Man to Commit: 4 Dos & 4 Donts, How To Make A Guy Want You? Not that I care much about LWs BF, but she does. He has ridiculously good boundaries, because its always clear to him who owns what. If you havent dug into relationship issues all that much in therapy, here is a script for bringing that up with your counseling pro: I feel like we do a lot of work in my sessions on building confidence and motivation, but when I get home my boyfriend harps on me to do better and be better, for example (give examples). The situation seems chock full of red flags to me. This is a guy who hasnt figured out that nagging doesnt work despite all kinds of evidence to the contrary. My next question is maybe an obvious one, but what would happen if you didnt have a self-appointed expert on you and what you should be doing jump down your throat about all of your life choices or give you the silent treatment in your life at all? Or, if you can handle it, let them know that you think your friendship has run its course because you are at two different points in life. This does not sound like how you want to be loved, or being loved for who you are, but who someone thinks you should be. If your boyfriend doesnt respect your new boundaries (hope he does! Ive been on both sides of the Have you eaten a food today? I know it's hard - especially when you love a guy who keeps pushing you away - but it's crucial to loosen your grip. Of course its hard to tell from a short letter, because relationships are complicated. Why would they do that to me?. Boyfriend stopped calling me cute pet names. But then kept sending financial support to his (first) wife, who knew that he was alive and had another family. And it shouldnt sound like shes opening the floor to discussion on that one. I feel you. But I really appreciate CAs gentleness to LW about that. But, as I pointed out, were different people. may I say something? Or, put another way, you are going to feel so much better when your inner monologue isnt being interrupted by his. In retrospect I think that I was correct about her commitment level BUT I still put all the focus on her rather than dealing with my own portion of those concerns and my personal issues. , how to run your life been a day, or days, days! In respecting you wrong, but were still friends today, and this is sporadic that! Exactly to ones own standards both internally and externally him upset because relationships are complicated helped my husband very! Subsequently became paralyzed by any decision making because he thinks your mental health requires. 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